High Holy Day Seating Request

This was sent to me and I have to say, I couldn’t resist. I shared it with the staff and worship committee last night and told them to please fill these out and that we will send them on to the congregation as well.  The look on our Membership/Program Director’s face was priceles!

 

TBS SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM FOR HIGH HOLY DAYS

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern
about the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to
place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete
the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as
soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the… (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor’s voice
___ The cantor’s significant other
___ The rabbis significant other
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ My neighbors
___ My relatives
___ My neighbors’ relatives
___ Presidential Election, results from
___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom

_____ My children/grandchildren
___ Other:_______________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free
professional advice?
__ Doctor
__ Dentist
__ Nutritionist
__ Psychiatrist
__ Child psychiatrist
__ Podiatrist
__ Chiropractor
__ Stockbroker
__ Accountant
__ Lawyer, General Practice
__ Criminal Lawyer
__ Civil Lawyer
__ Real estate agent
__ Architect
__ Plumber
__ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
__ Sexologist (??)
__ Golf pro [tentative; we’re still trying to find a Jewish One]
__ Other:____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
__ On the aisle
__ Near the exit
__ Near the window
__ In Aruba
__ Near the bathroom
__ Near my in-laws
__ As far away from my in-laws as possible
__ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
__ Near the pulpit
__ Near the Kiddush table (not applicable on Yom Kippur)
__ Near single men
__ Near available women
__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
__ Where I can sleep during the rabbi’s sermon [additional charge]

___ Where I can use my blackberry (SHHHH)


5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I can see my friend’s spouse over the mechitza
__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend’s spouse over the
mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider
joining another congregation.)

Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for this change): $________________________